MY JAKSON, NOT MY JAKE

The people who know me by the name of DACS and reading this must be screaming either in their heads (if they’re diffident) or outright blurt one or all of the following argot:

·“Siya na naman? Wala ka ba’ng kasawaan sa kanya?”

·“Akala ko ba he doesn’t deserve you? Bakit siya na naman ang topic mo?”

·“Didn’t you leave all this crap in LB?”

·“Move ON!”

·“Girl! Do us a favor and LET IT GO!”

·“I’ve given up on you and this subject a looooong time ago.”

So before you react as harshly as I did with the title alone, go through with me in this (yet again) long write up.This experience is my own little Journey to the West.Three years journey, and what I needed to learn, I learned when I came back where I started.

Before moving along, I would like to give credit where credit is due.PeeJ, BF, and Tarps.I send it to Dex, Duds and Migs as well.
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It has been three years since I last saw his face in person, a little before I left LB for good. Sadly, the face never left my mind and my dreams. Ever since October 23, 1997, it pitched a tent in my slimy little brain and never left. Now, it has a mansion, a garage, a garden and three dogs dwelling in a once barely populated place.

That wasn’t the problem though. Before he claimed landlord of my brain there was somebody else residing there, Boni to be precise. I was satisfied to be at the losing end of an unrequited love. From day one, I was the underdog. Several girls after, I was still the underdog. I was the tomboy friend who delivers the love letters and flowers. Contrary to the cliché, however, he never fell for me. I had expected it would be the same in college.

PeeJ and I were talking a few months ago about how some, if not all, women tend to presume how guys feel and think about them. It was interesting to hear how the guys feel about this as they don’t seem to understand how they end up from being “THE BESTFRIEND” to being “THE LOVE INTEREST”.

Since I was particularly apathetic to Peej’s situation, yet physically present to witness the onslaught of the matter, I had made a long discourse on how I thought it happened to him. Through my discourse, I was already describing myself.

“May Best friend ka na sana … pero kinursunada mo.”

That particular line rang in my ears reverberating in my mind, bringing it to the brink of madness. I guess my biggest fault here was “Kinursunada ko muna siya, bago ko siya naging best friend.”

So, does that mean, when a girl likes a guy, they can never be friends? What if you start as best friends, can you never be together at all?

I’ve heard so many acknowledgements where one man or woman gives thanks to his/her indentured partner by saying “To my lover and my best friend”.

Was she/he a lover first and then became the best of friends along the very long way? Or is it just a metaphor for someone who stood by you because society demands it of you? 

What I learned from PeeJ, sometimes men just doesn’t know where the friends/not friends boundary lies. I pointed it out to him once that I heard him declare “I love this woman” to his best friend without even thinking of the consequences or repercussion it COULD take. Honestly, I don’t know how she took it or if she even heard it. However, I know if I heard JPLM say it to me years ago, my angel and demon would have gone on to a long serious debate over my shoulder:

Self-centered Arrogant Self: He wouldn’t say that if he really didn’t.

Self-less Naïve Self: He wouldn’t say that in front of so many people if he had meant it romantically.

However, if I heard him say it after I’ve spoken with PeeJ, my heart would break into pieces. No amount of glue can bring Humpty Dumpty back together again.

What makes everything harder to perceive is when people concludes for you.

What if he really was longing for a sister? And I, then unfit to be his tomboy pal who delivers roses and letters, befit the role of a sister.

It’s just so downright confusing when people think they can decide who will ever be the American Idol of his life when they really don’t know what’s going on in his head. They campaign for you. They tell you I’m president of your love team’s fans’ club. They say, he wouldn’t be here to much if he didn’t like you in any romantic way at all. It’s so unfair that your own innards, particularly the specious heart, betray you and believes it.

JPLM spending an awful lot of attention on me made everything a different ball game. Friends and a family alike jumped into their own conclusions. Like PBB, they sent in their votes and majority’s opinion was “He likes you.” Like Star Circle Quest, JPLM you are IN.

The most unfair thing of all … you get worked up by these teasing and these either falsified or unreliable reports, and find yourself believing it more and more everyday (assuming you resisted at first), especially if these friends claim they dont talk about it to each other. If you really like the guy, it is so hard not to believe. Because you want to believe. Because your heart wants to believe it’s not wasting time on someone who’s not responding back. But logic dictates, you should only believe it when it’s there right in front of you … when he’s saying it to you then and there.

So we go back to a full circle. What if he just can’t say it?

“It’s not because I’m not saying anything, doesn’t mean I don’t know anything.”

I got the answer just quite recently through BF. If he’s really torpe, even if he’s the Superman of ka-torpehan … heck even if he is the Shazam of ka-torpehan who gives power to a bunch of spunky kids to be torpe … the answer will come out somehow, somewhere. People around will assume. And because of these assumptions, the answer will come out.

        Reports say, his answer was, “Get off my case.” 

That’s not exactly a no, but that doesn’t insinuate a yes at all.

As I’m writing this article, I can still say my heart insist we hope. But I’ve learned not to. He will never be the one who’d fulfill my wish on that first bright falling star I wished upon. He will not be the one who will love me as much as I love him. Nanjakson lang siya. Jinakson ko pabalik. Natalo ako.

And the last lesson I recently learned. It’s not just the women. Men can be pretty pretentious about how a girl feels for him, too. Be careful especially when you’re vulnerable. Your mind can play tricks on you.

I’ve finally completely realized the abstract painting I’ve been staring at for 8 years now. In two years, I would be celebrating the decade anniversary of the day I believed in Love at first sight. No relationship to celebrate though. Just my freedom …

… and clarity.